There’s no easy way to say this. In fact, I have re-written these opening lines many times and struggle to find the words that I need.
We have been waiting for something that I have finally realised, is simply never going to happen. We are never going to be a happy family and I can’t live as an unhappy one.
The differences we have tried so hard to overcome throughout our 4 years together, have finally become too much to bear.
We were struggling just after our wedding in November and sadly it’s gone from bad to worse.
We wanted it to work so much but wanting it to work with all your heart doesn’t guarantee success. I have put my soul into this relationship; constantly trying, balancing, always worrying and anxiously overcompensating. The effort this has taken has been quite honestly, exhausting and it’s making me very ill.
It shouldn’t have been this hard.
I have felt as though I have been pulled in two different directions, stuck in the middle, always the ‘common denominator’ trying to keep us together with everything I had……and it’s nearly broken me.
If I stay, I know it will.
Of course there are two sides to every story and I can only express how I am feeling and the impact felt by me and my son. But for me, our underlying issue has been my husband’s failure to reassure my son that he wanted him in his life as much as he wanted me.
In response to his indifference, my insecure little boy clung to me fiercely, creating an immovable love triangle with me in the middle.
The more one pulled, the other pulled back.
My once confident, adventurous child, who used to go for sleepovers at the drop of a hat, started having trouble sleeping and experiencing separation anxiety. He now struggles to even stay over with his dad whom he adores.
He likes to stay close to me, almost protecting and defending his place in my heart.
Sadly at the time we most needed love, compassion and empathy, my husband’s response was frustration and anger.
We are constantly treading on egg shells and that is no way to live.
The reality has always been that we are very different people, who want different things from life. Our situation was making him as unhappy as it was me.
We just couldn’t seem to give each other what the other wanted.
I wanted a doting step father for my son, he wanted a doting wife…..and a less doting mother.
And that was never going to happen.
My son and I come together, he is a part of me. I love spending time with him, investing in him, encouraging and cherishing every minute. He is my ‘everything’ and his security and happiness are paramount.
Eventually, after one too many extremely heated arguments, I simply had enough….I felt broken. We were all so unhappy, why were we carrying on?
So I made the difficult decision to walk away and admit that I had messed up yet again. Another marriage, another mistake, money and time wasted, hearts broken.
There are negative questions running around my head at night which I’m sure will be echoed by others.
Why did I rush into marriage? Why did I sell my house? Why didn’t I listen to my instincts?
But the answer to these questions is that we thought what we had was worth fighting for. When it was the two of us, away on our walking weekends away from the realities of daily life, it was good.
So we tried and tried.
But for every good moment, there were ten bad moments. I shall try and remember the nice times we enjoyed instead of the arguments and battles but I know that will be very hard.
So what happens now?
It’s simple really:
I’m choosing for my son to be free to be who he is, loved, encouraged and nurtured with patience, tolerance and understanding.
I’m choosing to be free to be the patient, devoted, gentle mother I was born to be.
I’m choosing not to argue, battle, defend and protect but to lower my guard, take off my amour and live peacefully.
I’m choosing to build a positive, happy home full of laughter, love and positivity.
It may take me a little while to get there again but my heart and head are focused on the place we need to get to.
For now, I’m spending lots of time with my boy and our wonderful friends and we’re making some practical plans. We’ve started looking for our own house again. My husband is going to take on the one we bought together which means we don’t have to wait to sell, in order to move. He’s being pretty helpful and supportive at the moment which helps.
In fact now that we’ve agreed to separate, the house is a much calmer place. I truly hope that he can find the right person to share his life with and be happy. I genuinely think that a person without children may be the best option for him. I think it’s very hard to understand the role of a parent when you haven’t got children yourself.
As for me, I am looking forward to some quiet time.
Space to just breathe, heal and be myself.
No drama, no anxiety.
A welcome period of gentle recovery, as I amble along a less bumpy road to peace and happiness with a little boy at my side that will always keep me smiling.