Finding The Courage To Walk Away

There’s no easy way to say this.  In fact, I have re-written these opening lines many times and struggle to find the words that I need.  

We have been waiting for something that I have finally realised, is simply never going to happen.  We are never going to be a happy family and I can’t live as an unhappy one.  

The differences we have tried so hard to overcome throughout our 4 years together, have finally become too much to bear.

 

We were struggling just after our wedding in November and sadly it’s gone from bad to worse.  

We wanted it to work so much but wanting it to work with all your heart doesn’t guarantee success.  I have put my soul into this relationship; constantly trying, balancing, always worrying and anxiously overcompensating.  The effort this has taken has been quite honestly, exhausting and it’s making me very ill.

It shouldn’t have been this hard.

I have felt as though I have been pulled in two different directions, stuck in the middle, always the ‘common denominator’ trying to keep us together with everything I had……and it’s nearly broken me. 

If I stay, I know it will.

Of course there are two sides to every story and  I can only express how I am feeling and the impact felt by me and my son.  But for me, our underlying issue has been my husband’s failure to reassure my son that he wanted him in his life as much as he wanted me.  

In response to his indifference, my insecure little boy clung to me fiercely, creating an immovable love triangle with me in the middle.  

The more one pulled, the other pulled back.

My once confident, adventurous child, who used to go for sleepovers at the drop of a hat, started having trouble sleeping and experiencing separation anxiety.  He now struggles to even stay over with his dad whom he adores. 

He likes to stay close to me, almost protecting and defending his place in my heart.

Sadly at the time we most needed love, compassion and empathy, my husband’s response was frustration and anger.  

We are constantly treading on egg shells and that is no way to live.

The reality has always been that we are very different people, who want different things from life.  Our situation was making him as unhappy as it was me.  

We just couldn’t seem to give each other what the other wanted.  

I wanted a doting step father for my son, he wanted a doting wife…..and a less doting mother.

And that was never going to happen.

My son and I come together, he is a part of me. I love spending time with him, investing in him, encouraging and cherishing every minute.  He is my ‘everything’ and his security and happiness are paramount.

Eventually, after one too many extremely heated arguments, I simply had enough….I felt broken.  We were all so unhappy, why were we carrying on?  

So I made the difficult decision to walk away and admit that I had messed up yet again.  Another marriage, another mistake, money and time wasted, hearts broken.

There are negative questions running around my head at night which I’m sure will be echoed by others.

Why did I rush into marriage? Why did I sell my house? Why didn’t I listen to my instincts?

But the answer to these questions is that we  thought what we had was worth fighting for.  When it was the two of us, away on our walking weekends away from the realities of daily life, it was good.

So we tried and tried.

But for every good moment, there were ten bad moments. I shall try and remember the nice times we enjoyed instead of the arguments and battles but I know that will be very hard.

So what happens now?

It’s simple really:

I’m choosing for my son to be free to be who he is, loved, encouraged and nurtured with patience, tolerance and understanding.

I’m choosing to be free to be the patient, devoted, gentle mother I was born to be.

I’m choosing not to argue, battle, defend and protect but to lower my guard, take off my amour and live peacefully.

I’m choosing to build a positive, happy home full of laughter, love and positivity.

It may take me a little while to get there again but my heart and head are focused on the place we need to get to.

For now, I’m spending lots of time with my boy and our wonderful friends and we’re making some practical plans.  We’ve started looking for our own house again.  My husband is going to take on the one we bought together which means we don’t have to wait to sell, in order to move.  He’s being pretty helpful and supportive at the moment which helps. 

In fact now that we’ve agreed to separate, the house is a much calmer place.  I truly hope that he can find the right person to share his life with and be happy.  I genuinely think that a person without children may be the best option for him. I think it’s very hard to understand the role of a parent when you haven’t got children yourself.

As for me, I am looking forward to some quiet time.  

Space to just breathe, heal and be myself.

No drama, no anxiety. 

A welcome period of gentle recovery, as I amble along a less bumpy road to peace and happiness with a little boy at my side that will always keep me smiling.

PicMonkey Collage

Love Toria

xxx

 

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90 Comments

  1. 1st July 2016 / 6:33 pm

    Oh Toria. Gosh, you’re words are beautiful at such a heartbreaking time. I’m so sorry that things haven’t worked out but it’s wonderful that you have all seemed to find a balance and a decision that is right for all of you. Your boy is one lucky boy. Being a mummy and a step mummy, I can see it from both sides and as much as a step parent will say it’s the same, it can’t be. But we are now a family of 6 and I will always think of us as such.
    I wish you all the very best in you and your son’s future. If he’s the one who keeps you smiling through all the crap, he’s the only man you need. Lots of love sweetie x

    • 2nd July 2016 / 9:50 am

      Aw Ali that is so sweet, thank you. I know you guys have such a great step family and I know Seb and I deserve the same happiness. If it’s on our own then that’s just the way it is. hugs xxx

      • 4th July 2016 / 7:25 pm

        How are you lovely? I’ve been thinking about you everyday since I read your post. How strange that you can feel for someone that you’ve never met. Sending you a big hug and another one for your sports day champ xx

        • 14th July 2016 / 10:30 am

          Thanks Ali, we’re doing ok. He’s keeping me strong! xx

  2. 1st July 2016 / 6:34 pm

    Oh, Tor, I’m so very sorry things didn’t pan out the way you’d hoped. Here’s to your gentle recovery and to being the mum you want and need to be. xx

    • 2nd July 2016 / 9:48 am

      Thanks Lovely Philippa, recovery sounds good to me. xx

  3. 1st July 2016 / 7:24 pm

    Sending you lots of love and hugs. You have done a very brave and healthy thing. Sometimes we still have lessons to learn before we can find true happiness. They are not mistakes but teaching us valuable things about ourselves and what we need in life. You and you’re son will be fine. Look forward now and take care of you both

    • 2nd July 2016 / 9:47 am

      Thanks Zena, I read a similar thing this morning. Mistakes teach us important lessons about ourselves that help us grow. I definitely believe that. xx

  4. 1st July 2016 / 7:32 pm

    Oh I am so sorry to read this. I can’t imagine how hurt you must be feeling but unknown that I would feel the same about my son. You are an amazing Mummy and are making a sacrifice that some wouldn’t- putting your son and your relationship with him, first.
    Don’t be ashamed. Sometimes you have to throw yourself into something and have faith and if it doesn’t work out, don’t feel bad. You tried x

    • 2nd July 2016 / 9:46 am

      You can’t help but feeling a bit of a failure but I’m not going to focus on that. Being happy and at peace is my goal right now for me and my boy. Thanks Han xx

  5. 1st July 2016 / 7:34 pm

    I am so sorry to hear this hun. Having been through a difficult marriage that came to an end myself, I mean that. Sometimes, as much as two people love each other, there are factors around them that mean it will never work. It doesn’t mean the love wasn’t real, just that life happened. Can’t wait to give you a big a squash when I see you, keep going! X

    • 2nd July 2016 / 9:45 am

      Aw I will Ally. We’ll have a good chat, cant’ wait. xx

  6. 1st July 2016 / 7:43 pm

    Oh honey, so sorry to hear this. Sending masses of love your way xxx

  7. 1st July 2016 / 8:07 pm

    Sending you big hugs my lovely. Walking away and accepting that something can’t be what you want it to be takes a lot of courage. Wishing you a gentle road ahead as you adjust again to the change that separation brings xx

    • 2nd July 2016 / 9:43 am

      Thanks lovely, such reassuring words xx

  8. 1st July 2016 / 8:15 pm

    Oh lovely Toria. I am so sorry to read this post. You are so brave to write and share these feelings. I know from what you say that you have made the right decision. Even if it is heartbreaking. But please don’t ever blame yourself. You fell in love and you fought for that love. That is a brave, brave thing. Big hugs to you Lucy xxxx

    • 2nd July 2016 / 9:43 am

      Thanks huni, you always know what to say to make someone feel better. xxxx

  9. 1st July 2016 / 8:27 pm

    So sorry to read this. Hopefully in time you and your son will be happy x x

    • 2nd July 2016 / 9:42 am

      Thanks Alyssa, I’m sure we will. xx

  10. 1st July 2016 / 8:31 pm

    Oh sweet I’m so sorry but you sound like you e made the right decision. It’s so hard but if it’s not working you can’t force it xx

    • 2nd July 2016 / 9:42 am

      Thanks Toni, it’s hard to quit but sometimes it’s the right thing to do. xx

  11. 1st July 2016 / 9:35 pm

    Lovely my heart broke for you reading this. I can’t imagine how hard life must of been for you the past year or so. I think you are incredibly brave and amazing. Sending love x

  12. Lynsey edwards
    1st July 2016 / 11:08 pm

    Victoria, I remember you in school as such a lovely bubbly person. I can’t imagine that you have changed that much, but to think of you in a situation like this is heart breaking. To battle everyday to keep others happy, to keep trying for something you want but for it to rarely happen is soul destroying. You have tried, and no one can take that a away from you, it’s not a failure, you have won as you have reached best decision for you, to be happy, which is always the biggest win! I hope you and your son can now shed that amour and be free to be who you want to be, not what you think you need to be. All the best with the new chapter of your life x

    • 2nd July 2016 / 9:40 am

      Hello Lynsey, I remember you too! That is such a lovely comment, thank you for taking the time to write it. x

  13. 2nd July 2016 / 1:01 am

    Tor I could cry & say a million things, it’s hard isn’t it. I’m glad you have the strength to make this decision .
    Lots of love xxx

    • 2nd July 2016 / 9:39 am

      Thanks Lorraine, I’ll come find you at blogon for a hug. xx

  14. 2nd July 2016 / 6:37 am

    I’m so sorry to hear your news, Toria. Sounds as if you have made the right decision though. Take care of yourself and your boy xx

  15. 2nd July 2016 / 10:43 am

    So beautifully written Tor, I can only imagine how hard it was to start this post and then to hit publish. You have been torn in opposite directions for too long and I admire you for fighting for love even though in the end you had to make the choice to look after your son first. You are such a devoted mother and your son is so very blessed to have you. At the end of the day we have to choose peace and happiness and as a mother we put our kids first, but not all mothers would, I have seen mothers neglect their children for the wrong man, your choice to leave is so brave and admirable. You never fail if you try and you tried! You are amazing and strong and of course super beautiful I know you will find love again when you are ready xx

    • 3rd July 2016 / 11:11 am

      Thanks for all your support Mac and for writing such inspiring posts that help me through. xxx

  16. 2nd July 2016 / 2:30 pm

    I’m so sorry to read this, even though it does sound like you’re doing the best thing for everyone. I really believe that it is braver to walk away and put your own happiness first than to struggle through just for the sake of it. I hope this new chapter brings you and your boy some peace, look after each other xx

  17. 2nd July 2016 / 5:35 pm

    sorry to her this. I had to walk away from my marriage 8 years ago and it was so difficult. Sorry your going through this but sometimes we do have to do what is right for us!

  18. 3rd July 2016 / 5:54 pm

    Oh goodness, I’m so sorry. “Blending” a family must be so, so hard, and it’s something that I will probably have to do at some point, if I ever meet someone. It takes a lot of courage to walk away when you know it’s not right, but long term it sounds as though you’re definitely making the right decision. Lots of love x

    • 14th July 2016 / 10:33 am

      Thanks Beth, it is a absolute minefield! I don’t think it should be this hard though which is why I’m having to stop trying for the sake of everyone’s hapiness. xx

  19. 3rd July 2016 / 7:16 pm

    Our right choices are always our hardest ones! Great honest post and beautifully written. All positive thoughts for you, all will wash out and come good in no time x

  20. 5th July 2016 / 2:25 pm

    I am so sorry to read this Toria. Sometimes thing just don’t work, no matter how much we want them to, and it is a wise and brave thing to leave when that becomes the only thing you can do. Sending love x

    • 14th July 2016 / 10:29 am

      Thanks Sara, I know it’s pretty unfair that the amount of effort you put into something doesn’t always ensure success. I gave it my all. xx

  21. 5th July 2016 / 7:47 pm

    ah I still feel so sad for you Tor but I know you feel better for your decision for you and Seb. I wish you lots of happiness and good luck xx #thetruthabout

  22. 5th July 2016 / 10:33 pm

    Such a brave decision Tor. I know exactly what it’s like choosing to walk away into the unknown although as you know it’s all a bit of a mind-f**k right now because of the way my husband is unfortunately. What’s right for you and Seb is so important and your anxiety over the situation has been clear for some time now. So many hugs Xx #thetruthabout

    • 14th July 2016 / 10:25 am

      Ha yes it sure is Sam. Walking into the unknown with uncertainty is so scary but I think because I’ve done it before and know how happy I can be on my own, it’s given me courage to walk away. I’m determined to stay positive and make a happy future for me and my boy. xx

    • 14th July 2016 / 10:26 am

      Thanks Sam, it sure does feel scary but I think because I’ve been a single mum before I wasn’t as scared to go it alone. Life is too short to live under a cloud of anxiety. xx

  23. 6th July 2016 / 11:33 pm

    Oh Toria, I didn’t realise you were going through this. My heart goes out to you. You are so strong for making the right decision for you and your son. Always choose happiness and never let what has happened in the past hold you back. I hope you can get a big fat chocolate cake sized slab of peace, a dusting of rest and renewed confidence to enjoy life. Xx

    • 14th July 2016 / 10:20 am

      Ahh thanks lovely. I’m feeling a lot better than what I was initially. Each day feels a little brighter. xx

  24. 9th July 2016 / 9:56 am

    Oh Toria. I’m so sorry to hear that things didn’t work out. Such a beautifully written post. You’re such a wonderful mum and a true inspiration. I know my sister will relate to this as the same happened to her and she put her son first.
    Lots of love to you and hope you find somewhere lovely to live with your gorgeous son. Xxx

    • 14th July 2016 / 10:20 am

      Hi Katy, thanks so much. It’s nice to hear that others have chosen the same path, I hope your sister is doing well now. A mother’s love is so big, it can’t be compromised which is a wonderful thing. xxx

  25. 9th July 2016 / 9:27 pm

    I am sorry to read this lovely. But you are strong – you know yourself you have done the right thing, and you had the courage to do it. Now to look to the future and a new chapter for you xxx All the best lovely xxx

    • 14th July 2016 / 10:18 am

      Aw thanks Kerrie. It’s funny the most people tell you you’re strong, the stronger you feel. Positive thinking and speaking really does bloody work! xxx

  26. 10th July 2016 / 12:17 am

    Tor, I have just read this and about your decision to leave Dan. I am obviously very sad for you, but I am also tremendously impressed by your integrity and your courage to make the difficult decision and to do what it right for you and Seb.

    Thinking of you.

    Pen xx

    • 14th July 2016 / 10:17 am

      Thanks Pen, that means a lot. I know you can understand my situation more than most. xxx

  27. 11th July 2016 / 9:08 pm

    Oh huni, I am so sorry it has ended like this for you. You are so right though, your little boy quite rightly comes first and anyone who doesn’t see and respect this is a fool. Wishing you so much love and happiness xx

    • 14th July 2016 / 10:16 am

      Thanks Aby, it’s very sad but I’m focusing on being truly happy again without anxiety always bubbling underneath. I know we’ll be ok. xx

  28. 12th July 2016 / 10:01 pm

    So sorry to read this, I remember seeing your wedding pics and thinking how happy you looked but I can completely understand the reasons for your decision. It can’t have been an easy one to come to but, for what it’s worth, I think you have made the right one. Sending you lots of love at this difficult time but there will be happy days to come. Xxx

    • 14th July 2016 / 10:13 am

      Thanks Jo, it was such a tough decision to make. It felt so unfair to be caught in the middle of the two people you love,. I just couldn’t lose my little boy and that’s what I fear would have happened in some way. xxx

  29. 13th July 2016 / 11:21 pm

    What a hard piece to read and I can’t even imagine sitting there and writing it. My marriage has had so many ups and downs I wonder when is enough enough but I’m still fragile and somewhat together so for now I choose to stay and hope and fight until I can’t anymore.

    Your so so brave. I love your blog and reading your moments.

    To a future of love and strength for you and your son xx

    • 14th July 2016 / 10:11 am

      Aimee thank you so much for such a beautiful comment. You’ve really made me smile. xx

  30. 14th July 2016 / 10:54 am

    I am so sorry to read this, my first marriage ended after 11 years when our son was just 4 and I was absolutely devastated. I genuinely never imagined I would find a way through and yet here I am, just seven years later married with three more beautiful children. Sometimes things don’t work out as you plan and yet there is always more to come, just keep going. xxx #coolmumclub

    • 15th July 2016 / 7:04 pm

      Aw I love your story Laura, keep the faith! xxx

  31. 14th July 2016 / 11:31 am

    So beautifully written and so honest. You’re a brave, strong women. Many don’t have the strength to do the right thing for them. Your son is lucky to have you! I have only just joined the blogging world so I have only just stumbled on your comments but I wish you all the best. We all find our own ways – best of luck on your journey. Good things will come 😉

    • 15th July 2016 / 7:03 pm

      Thanks Jo, such lovely words. Hope you’re enjoying your blogging. x

  32. 14th July 2016 / 11:46 am

    Such a heart breaking post! I’m sorry you couldn’t make it work. But sometimes somethings fall apart so better things can fall together.
    L X
    http://workingmumy.blogspot.com
    #CoolMumsClub

    • 15th July 2016 / 7:03 pm

      What a great comment, I’ll remember that one. x

  33. 14th July 2016 / 12:35 pm

    I’ve just come across your blog after your lovely comment today on my own. Seems to be a week of sharing emotional times. Well done for finding the strength to write and then publish this post. It sounds like you have made your decision for very good reasons and that you are managing to find the positives to help you move forward. It can be the hardest thing to do, but there are times when you have to put yourself and your son first and do what’s right for you and it sounds like that’s just what you are doing. Good luck. x #coolmumclub

  34. 14th July 2016 / 4:29 pm

    Oh I’m so sorry but your beautiful words show that you need to find a new balance for your family. You’re so very brave for doing this and for writing about it too. Sending you lots of love for the future xx #coolmumclub

  35. 14th July 2016 / 7:28 pm

    Oh lovely Tor I love the beautiful braveness of this post. You are making way for the next chapter, written by you and I know your strength will lead both you and your son to the place you want to me. Sending lots of love from and thanks for linking this up to #coolmumclub xxx

  36. 14th July 2016 / 9:05 pm

    I’m really sorry to read this but it sounds like you’ve made the best decision for both you and your son. I wish you the very best of luck as you move forward with the next chapter of your life x #coolmumclub

  37. 14th July 2016 / 9:48 pm

    I admire your courage and ability to take life by the reigns. It sounds like you know exactly what is right for you and your son, and I wish you all the best in your next chapter. New beginnings and new happiness lies ahead, I’m sure of it.
    Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub xxx

  38. 16th July 2016 / 8:28 pm

    My heart goes out to you. Ending a relationship is never easy, but if it feels right then it is. Stay strong and in time, you will look back and realise it was the right decision. Good luck to you. Sue x via #WeekendBlogShare

    • 17th July 2016 / 8:11 am

      Thanks for your lovely comment Sue. x

  39. 17th July 2016 / 1:44 pm

    This is such a brave and heartfelt post. Thank you so much for sharing. The end of relationships are never easy. We can’t plan how our life turns out and stuff hurts. Time doesn’t always heal or can’t take away things from the past but hopefully time teaches us how to deal with the ups and downs.
    Hope you get the gentle recovery you’re looking for, full of smiles and comfort from your lovely Son. I hope your lovely blog becomes a sanctuary for you. I know it’s been mine through some recent tough times. Sunita x #brillblogposts

    • 18th July 2016 / 7:07 pm

      Thanks for your lovely comment Sunita. Very wise words. xx

  40. 18th July 2016 / 2:09 pm

    Oh darling, well done for doing this and making sure you and your son are happy. No one should stay with someone who makes you both feel like this. You are right, relationships should never feel like hard work. Lots of love x

    • 18th July 2016 / 7:09 pm

      Thanks Vicki, I’m so touched by everyone’s support. xx

  41. 27th July 2016 / 3:39 pm

    Blooming love this; love the calm, the power that flows through a mummies soul… Best of luck in your new adventure and remember mistakes have a funny way of being magical (in time). Happy new chapter

    • 1st August 2016 / 8:46 am

      Thanks so much, yes I love your post about magical mistakes..it spoke to me! xx

  42. 29th July 2016 / 9:03 am

    I’m so sorry to hear this… so heartbreaking, but if you think it’s for the good of everyone, you’ve done well. Relationship is never easy, it’s so complicated and sometimes we just have to let go to keep our inner peace. Hope everything goes well with your new life! #FabFridayPost

  43. 29th July 2016 / 5:55 pm

    I had a lump in my throat reading this and I don’t even know own you so it just goes to show how well you wrote what must have been a very heartbreaking post. For what it’s worth it sounds like you require doing the right thing. I broke up with my ex 8 years ago now because he just didn’t get along with my daughter. In fact I’d go as far as to say he didn’t even like her. It was very difficult and I get torn in two but in the end I knew I had to walk away. He didn’t have children of his own either. 8 years on I have found love again, am married with two more children and I couldn’t be happier. I think you are right when you say that your husband needs to be without someone that doesn’t have kids. I wish you and your son all the best for the future.

    #fabfridaypost

    • 1st August 2016 / 8:29 am

      Thanks Janine, I’m so pleased things worked out for you. Sadly I think I may have missed my boat to meet someone and have any more children because I’m 38 but you never know. I think I’d like that if there was a chance. xx

  44. 30th July 2016 / 12:34 am

    I think I said everything I needed to say to you about this in our messages on Facebook but I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and I hope everything is OK xx #thetruthabout

  45. 5th August 2016 / 1:00 am

    Tor, you writes so beautifully. It must be so hard yet honest to write. Some people clicks in different situations. It think it is great that he see what has happened and still support you to make it easier. I also feel like a break from my partner too – although I know it is completely in different situation, but sometimes we need a break. Good luck with everything. I hope your beautiful son will sleep better at night very soon. Bug Hugs. Xx

    Thank you for linking up with us on #FabFridayPost

    • 8th August 2016 / 8:26 am

      Thanks so much Su. Relationships aren’t easy are they. It’s tough when you have very different fundamental views on parenting too. Good luck too. xx

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